Bit of an off-beat entry today. I just wanted to talk a bit about how crazy my life has changed since just before I started this blog. Maybe it's been noticeable and maybe it hasn't, I don't know. But I can't express how positive my life has become. Less six months ago I was more or less in a funk, close to what I'd describe as depression. No, I'm not talking crazy suicidal depression. But I was generally in a crap, low mood all the time and it sucked. For the life of me I couldn't figure out what it was...
...Then I made changes and started pursuing things that had always held my interest and had been dreams I withheld. I started DOING. And boy has it been a strangely amazing journey. I'm getting married, which is something I didn't think I would ever do and yet here I am about to commit to spending my life with someone and I'm not at all afraid of that prospect. She has changed my life in more ways than one and I wouldn't be where I am without her. I never thought I'd get married...but its about to change my life.
Then there's my hobbies. For the longest time I've kind of coasted through life. Doing things that while they kept me entertained, didn't really make me feel whole or that kind of happy you have when you're doing something you know you love. In the last year I've significantly dropped video games from my life with very few exceptions. (I still have a computer and play them on occasion.) But I've gotten rid of almost every console I own and have yet to replace ones that have gotten wrecked due to things beyond my control. (Like a cat who hated my 3DS.) It's interesting how much happier it has made me to get away from electronics and into pursuits that make me happy.
Horses have always been a love and a part of my life that isn't going away. I do love and enjoy them but I've always felt there has been something more beyond it. There is a reason I kept track of figure skating without telling people, there's a reason I've chosen to never pursue my other dreams. Anxiety is a big part of it, but confidence was too. You get yourself in such a 'funk' and feel you're never going to get anywhere and simply settle for what you have, which in my case simply made things worse. But now that I've re-discovered my passion for skating I can't describe how much happier I am.
I'm also healthier. Sure, I still occasionally eat crap food and can be lazy on occasion. But I find I get out more now. I do more and I'm enthusiastic about doing more. No word of a lie, there was a point where going for a walk was the most boring thing on the planet to me. Now I find myself excited to get out of the house. Plus I no longer look like a vampire all the time, yay <3
Alongside taking on a hobby that has made me happy. I've also discovered new things that I didn't truly expect to enjoy. Ballet for example. I opted into it to improve my skating at the advice of a few close to me. Before, I wouldn't have been confident to do something considered so feminine or something that put me with strangers or groups of people and yet I have found that I enjoyed my lesson significantly more than I expected and that I'm looking forward to the next one. (Never once have I danced while listening to music so much as I have in the last week :D)
I guess what I'm trying to say, is that there is so much positivity in my life right now. It's been a fairly long time since I've walked around with a genuinely happy smile on my face and I can only get more excited but the rest of the year holds for me.
Hopefully this entry isn't too hard to read through, I feel I sometimes repeat myself a lot. Believe it or not I don't proof-read these blogs at all so that you get my genuine thoughts and feelings as they come out whether they make sense or not. I've really enjoyed writing this so look forward to more entries in the future!
Thanks for reading!
Ciao for now!